We've been hit!

I was in the newsagents the other day looking for the latest issue of Enema Fanciers magazine when I spied this one in the DIY section.



Now, I'm the first person to stand up and proclaim that pants beat rubber hose. Hosiery through the years have been greatly exagerrated in my opinion, so it was about time someone stood up and made the world aware of such travesties of justice. Anyway, I flicked through the magazine and came across the cover story, which I'm sure you'd be interested in checking out. I've scanned the first page and some of the photos here for you and typed out the other relevant text so you can read it. Makes for VERY interesting reading and is an insight into the bleeding edge of reanimation science. I won't post the whole article, you can buy the magazine if you want that. I'm just posting the most interesting bits.

This is the first page of the article. Your usual blurb on the author and a brief outline of the document. Good looking bloke, and he obviously knows what he's talking about.



Everything else from here on is stuff typed from the article. Enjoy!

First of all you need to acquire the parts. Some scientists maintain that you need fresh gear straight from the morgue but I've never had anything but dramas trying that. Hospital security seem to get a bit uppity when they see you stuffing bits onto the backseat of your car. Running off with a torso whilst dodging a hail of bullets is not a lot of fun.



I prefer to dig up a recent burial. I like the hands-on approach and you get a bit of a buzz from the manual labour. At this point you might also like to get yourself an able-bodied (though preferably slightly retarded) assistant who can help with the spadework.
The public also gets the added bonus of something interesting on the TV. There's nothing like a gruesome exhumation or two to pique people's curiosity.
Here you can see me at work trying to pry the concrete lid off. I originally had the ski-mask on but this is hot work so I rolled it up. The next shot shows me toting my bag of goodies back to the lab.




If you have your heart set on a midnight "freezer raid" then might I suggest you do it Weekend at Bernie's style? Pushing someone out of the hospital in a wheelchair is way easier than lugging an armload of limbs or a body over your shoulder. If people get too nosey imply the "patient" has a communicable disease or something. SARS is a Godsend but don't underestimate the power of Ebola to have people running for the hills. Splash some blood on your coat or wear a facemask for added effect.

Once the parts are assembled and laid out on your work-bench, double-check the wiring on your Van der Graf generators. Take this time to also check the security on your door. The last thing you need is a couple of Mormons blundering in when you are midway through creating a deplorable blasphemy against God. The high-pitched voice in your head may be suggesting you answer them in your blood-spattered clothing just for a laugh but trust me - nothing brings the cops like the unmistakeable stench of corrupted flesh.



Here we can see that the parts have been reassembled. The fluid described earlier has been pumped into the body cavities and I'm shown here removing the last hose. Just out of shot are the high voltage lines ready to be clamped onto the body. Luckily the current drain is fairly small but if you ARE concerned, you could always steal the power from your neighbours. A simple induction coil could work but why bother? The yokels are so stupid you might as well run an extension cord from their loungeroom.



Here's a safety tip: make sure you keep flammable material away from your experimental apparatus. As you can imagine, those high voltages can play havoc with your soft furnishings if you're not careful. Luckily I have some extinguishers lying around for just this sort of thing. I find the best place to get them from is high-rise or government buildings. If you put on a pair of overalls and carry a clipboard you can pretty much take whatever you want.



Finally, the big moment. I had to throw ze switch myself - Igor had to take his mum to the vet. Still, at least I don't have to put up with his flatulent whinings. Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely lad but if I have to hear any more about Beckham's signing to Madrid I swear I'll scoop out his hump and fill it with semtex.
I'm a traditionalist - to me an assistant should have limp hair that looks like a greasy mop-head used to clean up after an explosion in a turd factory. But you can't tell kids these days what to do. If Igor wants a blonde mohawk then I guess I have to put up with it. But I'll be damned if he'll accompany me to the annual Mad Scientist Gala Ball looking like that! Oh yes, Doctor Destructo would be VERY pleased to see that, the smarmy little git.

I might also takes this time to give a shout-out to the guys at http://www.villainsupply.com/ - nice work lads! The BEST place to get weapons-grade plutonium, bar none.

So the switch is thrown and...SUCCESS! Or, if you prefer, "It's alive! ALIVE! Hahahahahaha!"



What now, you ask? Well hopefully you will have already planned out your uses for the monster. If not, here's a handy list of popular choices:
1. Terrorise the neighbourhood.
2. Exact revenge upon those scientists who said you were mad.
3. Write scripts for Seinfeld.
4. Get the lid off that jar of pickles.



For me, however, I plan to use his superior strength and low intelligence to mow my lawns and paint the house. He will become my slave, answering to my every whim. I can feed him table scraps and potato peelings and force him to live under the stairs like a reject from the ramblings of JK Rowling. But without the hot Hermione action, I can assure you.
That's right, he will...What? No, stay back! I created you! You can't kill ME! Curse my weak, nerd-like strength.
Hey, what are you doing with my trousers? What are you doing with YOUR trousers!? Noooooooo!




Bonus "Making of..." Documentary (blatant self-promotion)

Okay, the animation breaks the "magazine article" story but see if I care. Maybe they gave a link to it or something? I just wanted to try an animated composite of something stupid.
Anyway, this is the third in a series of photo-journal comedies that have featured on Something Awful. If you missed the Day in the Life of a Ninja (goldmined, so you can find it in there) or my Microwave Oven Review then click those links to my own hosted copy.
That will be it for my solo efforts for a while. My next two projects with a friend are a card magic instructional video and a tech demo to see if we can do the Matrix rooftop bullet-dodging scene with inexpensive home equipment.

Forum Veteran

I don't know what the fuck is going on here... but I LIKE IT.

banned

there should be an actual madscientist magazine with an actual article of this calibur in it.

unix hacker code: rm -rf *.*

Wow. Just wow. That was nice and creative, and well thought out. Thanks, I hope to see more like this.

Holy shit.

Holy fucking shit.

__________________

My monocle just embedded itself in the ceiling.

We've been hit!

Thanks guys. The thread seems to have died on the vine, though. Ah well - I can't win 'em all.

I saw WORTHLESS TROLL 2... and I loved it!

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Gromit came out of the closet to say:

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FOOKOOF? MORE LIKE GOOKOFF AM I RITE?

THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT YOU CLODS SHOULD BE DOING TO ENTERTAIN ME AT SCHOOL!

A+ for effort and concept and execution.

The + is for the hair that is exactly how a mad scientist should style it.

GBS be pinnacle of wit and comedy! Please to be posting more drunken image requests!

What a fucking wonderful post.

mescalito

Wow. I must concur with the others in praise of this little masterpiece! I still remember your Ninja article with reverence and awe. Man! Thanks for bringing a little sanity (I don't think I chose the right word there, but anyways) to the gray mass of inanity that we seem to be suffering from.

I love it how you can see the skull through the plastic bag!

aliensex fucked around with this message at Sep 19, 2003 around 18:49

No contaban con mi astucia!

Great post, this kind of stuff is why I love this forums.

Yeah, it's made of meat. The meaty kind.

This post is like a ray of fucking sunshine on my otherwise shitty, rainy day. Thank you SA Forums, for spawning this demented genius.

__________________
Anaclisis fanboy.
blah blah blahbitty fucking blah

Meatface fucked around with this message at Sep 19, 2003 around 19:02

Title? Who needs a title? Titles are for jerkoffs.

I love how you subtly attack the credibility of New Scientist...

By your dress, your manner and your bearing, I presume you are an uncultured oaf.

Simply stupendous. GBS is all the richer for this post. MORE PLZ

Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

Thank you for being a shining ray of hope amongst the dreary piles of UTTER SHIT POSTS that have been spawning in GBS for the past week. You have my reanimated zombie manbabies.

I AM
GAY

When I'm at work tonight, scraping frosting off the donut racks and hoping I won't get held up, I'll think to myself "Wow, at least I'm not a mad scientist getting ass-rammed by my own creation." and then get a chub-on.

Fucking brilliant. I love it.

Not a spork

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elpintogrande came out of the closet to say:
What a fucking wonderful post.

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If you see this man, slap him in the nuts for me.

Phenomenal work.

Sorry about the whole Zombie Sodomy thing though.

__________________

I had a frown when I started reading, but I was lollin' on the floor when I scrolled down to see that GIF.

r u serious u cannot be serious

the best part was the half life action

Monocle Mania

Your zombie seems to be in much better condition than mine. Any tips on care for our undead creations?

I am your apocalypse, I am your belief un-rocked, I'm the illegitimate Son of God!

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elpintogrande came out of the closet to say:
What a fucking wonderful post.

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I know it's not the done thing to quote mods and not add much but really I cannot agree more.

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Finally, the big moment. I had to throw ze switch myself - Igor had to take his mum to the vet. Still, at least I don't have to put up with his flatulent whinings.

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I hurt inside.... and I need a hug

Nice.. 5

IF DEMOCRACY FAILS, YOU CAN COUNT ON STALIN!

This has made my night Gromit, thank you precious angel.

chances last a finite time

Ho-lee shit. Amazing.

Smegma is like candy to me!

I like the fact that after a long night of exhuming bodies, he's lab coat and pants are perfectly clean...He's very careful like a good mad scientist should be...Greatest photos ever...this has given me a new faith in GBS

AAARGH! AAARGH! AAARGH!

Fucking, undoubtedly, awsome. Thank you!

(fmrly "buttwurst", reg. date 01/02)

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Gromit came out of the closet to say:

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Cows are my friends...

I like it! Excellent writing and one hell of a series of images.

Forum Veteran

Anyone who doesn't vote this a five just in respect of the sheer effort that went into it deserves a big fat kick in the nuts.

Nice job.

ME NO READ FAQ
ME DUMB

A winner is you!!!!! Beautiful!!!

Must have been a quiet week for computer crime - but man I love it - Nice work!

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Gromit came out of the closet to say:

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That was a damn good job. I like it a lot.

Holy shit, I'm torn between this and the ninja workout being my favorite posts of all time. Really well done, I especially like the animated gif.

I don't see science anywhere.

The Gnome

I love threads with a bit of effort put into them. Great pictures, nice story and a gif I can't stop staring at. Just like SARS, this thread is a godsend.

Wow, look at me. I'm not even listening to a word you're saying.

Thank you. This is simply superb.

Grundy smash shitty posters like this! RAAAHHHR!

Would you mind terribly if I used these for the Goldmine this week?

This thoroughly pleases me.

I as well would actually pay for a subcription to Mad Scientist magazine if all the artilces were of this quality. Great job man, keep im coming.

__________________

This needs to be on the frontpage.

We've been hit!

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aliensex came out of the closet to say:
I love it how you can see the skull through the plastic bag!

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I'm SO glad you noticed that. I had the bag and everything and just thought it needed that certain something. You can also see a hand near the bottom of the bag but I'm happy you spotted the mishapen head.

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schmitty9800 came out of the closet to say:
the best part was the half life action

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I thought that would be an added bonus to the gamers out there. It came to me as an after-thought and turned out nicely. Just lucky my housemate has a crowbar.

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Santiago2 came out of the closet to say:
Your zombie seems to be in much better condition than mine. Any tips on care for our undead creations?

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Well, I guess you should buy the magazine. It would be unfair of me to deprive them of a sale by posting all the information here.

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OMGWTFBBQ came out of the closet to say:
Would you mind terribly if I used these for the Goldmine this week?

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Anyone can do whatever they like with any of this. I've put it on the internet for everyone to laugh at my expense. That's the kind of guy I am.
Oh, and if you want to link this to anyone without access to the forums, point them to my local copy here. I basically trimmed off the SA post to make the HTML which I presume no one will get shitty about.

That was great! I, as well, would like to see some kind of mad scientist magazine. 5 has been tallied.

We've been hit!

OMGWTFBBQ:
Now that I think about it, the only thing I dislike about Goldmining this thread is that it's locked from getting replies. Like any "artist", I like the recognition and positive replies that spur me to produce more of these things. Goldmining too soon would deprive me of this mastabatory satisfaction.
Perhaps give me some more time in the spotlight first, so my head can swell up bigger?
Maybe we could wait until the posts change to "piss off, you forum-whore - I've had quite enough of your digital abortions sullying this fine forum. The sooner you are banned the better."
Still, whatever you like really. I'm not going to tell the mods what to do with posts. If I'm a big enough man to show animations to the world of me sodomising myself I'm sure I can handle anything else!

IZ GONE RAIN

Heh, pretty nice. I like the images especially

fucking awesome.

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Gromit came out of the closet to say:
OMGWTFBBQ:
Now that I think about it, the only thing I dislike about Goldmining this thread is that it's locked from getting replies. Like any "artist", I like the recognition and positive replies that spur me to produce more of these things. Goldmining too soon would deprive me of this mastabatory satisfaction.
Perhaps give me some more time in the spotlight first, so my head can swell up bigger?
Maybe we could wait until the posts change to "piss off, you forum-whore - I've had quite enough of your digital abortions sullying this fine forum. The sooner you are banned the better."
Still, whatever you like really. I'm not going to tell the mods what to do with posts. If I'm a big enough man to show animations to the world of me sodomising myself I'm sure I can handle anything else!

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I think what OMGQTFBBQ meant by 'using this for the Goldmine this week' was that he wanted to put it on the front page Comedy Goldmine section. They're usually mirrors of the thread, rather than the thread itself, so it won't be locked from replies.

I'm sure it will go into the real Goldmine eventually though, and here's a 5 to help it on it's way - fantastic work

Grundy smash shitty posters like this! RAAAHHHR!

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radd came out of the closet to say:


I think what OMGQTFBBQ meant by 'using this for the Goldmine this week' was that he wanted to put it on the front page Comedy Goldmine section. They're usually mirrors of the thread, rather than the thread itself, so it won't be locked from replies.

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Holy shit. I think a little pee came out.

Fifthace decided to show you this image:

I'm totally crushin'!

You rock in a particularly hard fashion.

Top job

Definately the funniest post I've ever read in GBS. I somehow missed your other ones that you linked, so I'm off to read those now. 5!

That was fucking awesome.

NOT THERAPY

This thread kicks ass, I highly enjoyed the initial post and look forward to any possible sequels.

Disco-equipped!

After a crappy couple of days, this post is just what I needed to go to bed happy.

Back - street's - back - ALRIGHT!

You look like French Stewart in a number of those images. Not that I mean that in a bad way or anything, just some similarities.

Anyway, "El Cerebro Loco" had me strapped onto a pair of lollerskates before I even got to the rest of the pure gold in this post. Great job, please post more like this.

I am irritable and have no sense of humour to speak of. Furthermore, it is evident that I do not understand Cubism.

This and the Day in the life in the Ninja are masterpieces.
Congrats, and a well deserved 5 for you.

Excellent work. At first I was all , but then I 'ed

We've been hit!

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Liquidex came out of the closet to say:
You look like French Stewart in a number of those images. Not that I mean that in a bad way or anything, just some similarities.

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ZOMG

Great post. One of the best I've seen in GBS.

The others are done well as well. You have a nice style, keep writing!

Forum Veteran

I would subscribe to this magazine in a heartbeat.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, AIL

wait, this isn't real? wtf

Das Vampyr Jäger

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Gromit came out of the closet to say:

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The little touches like the Newtype mag are what make this even more awesome

5 for you, Gromit, GBS has lacked a truly gut-bustingly funny thread like this that didn't involve Photoshopping.

Back - street's - back - ALRIGHT!

Wait a second, did you get that lab background image from Google image search for "lab"? (Or something similar) I used that same image as the reflection map for the metallic stuff in this image:

http://www.xgamestation.com/view_media.php?id=1

Small world.

We've been hit!

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Liquidex came out of the closet to say:
Wait a second, did you get that lab background image from Google image search for "lab"? (Or something similar) I used that same image as the reflection map for the metallic stuff in this image:
http://www.xgamestation.com/view_media.php?id=1

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Wordsmith

well crafted, and it doesn't hurt that you resemble the lead from an old favorite of mine, "The Reanimator."

A Túrin Turambar turun ambartanen

Thanks for the wonderful post.

and here's your toucan dodo

and thats a big 5 for this. reading it i went from wtf to roflmao, still chuckling at the tube and the crowbar...how does he operate the mouse?

off to read the ninja thread now

Thank you.

I read (and am replying to) this thread from a terribly boring conference in San Antonio where a bunch of 50-year-olds are trying to learn Dreamweaver MX. The animation is absolutely hilarious, and very well done. I am leaving it up on my screen, for all the old folks to ponder over

Hahahaha, what the fucking fuck?

Bigger than Mary Tyler Moore!

This is an excellently conceived and brilliantly executed work, and I'm a better person for having read it. Thanks, man!

It is not enough that I succeed; my friends must also fail.

I liked your post a lot, but that doesn't mean that I am going to be sucking your cock or anything. You said you were past that.

bah...

its threads like these that i am happy i spent on the forums

Argument from crockery!

This was fun stuff man, nice work.

Forum Veteran

Well played sir. Well. Fucking. Played.

I code in Beer++

It's threads like this that, just when I think it's hit rock-bottom, reaffirm my faith in GBS. Absolutely brilliant.

*sluuurrp* Gorilla City is fucked up, but not as fucked up as this thread.

Hahahahahahahaha
<breathe>
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Good show, Gromit.

Breathtaking. I like it.

"I don't give two tugs of a dead dog's dick."

When does your movie come out?

I will go see it. Twice.

We've been hit!

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CgiBinLaden came out of the closet to say:
well crafted, and it doesn't hurt that you resemble the lead from an old favorite of mine, "The Reanimator."

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